A Working Mommy

Before I became a Mommy, I had no idea what working Mom's were dealing with on a daily basis.  My Mom always worked and I just remember her as 'Super Mom' - the house was always spotless, we were always on the go, laundry was always done, yard mowed, etc, etc and she worked 40+ hours /week as a Social Worker!  I have always appreciated everything my Mom has done for me.  She was always there on time to pick me up after cheerleading, she took me to/from my friends houses, she was there when I graduated at every milestone in school, we managed to go to the beach almost every weekend in the summer.  My Mom's always been there.  And she was always working throughout it all.  I cannot help but wonder if she ever sat in her closet and cried because she was so tired?  I wouldn't know if she did...because, again, she was Super Mom in my eyes.  Oh, and did I mention I have a brother?  And he was extremely involved in sports throughout his childhood...so I wasn't the only one being chauffeured around.

Now that I am a Mommy, I am constantly struggling with work and home life balance.  From the moment I wake up I go, go, go.  And if I wake up in the middle of the night, oh dear.....thoughts flood my mind about work, Drew, Levi, my grandparents, etc.  And usually these thoughts are things I fear.  Losing my grandparents, something happening to my family, losing my job, Levi growing up and not wanting to come home and visit with me.....all these thoughts overwhelm me.  Is this normal?    And when I'm at work I find myself looking at pictures of Levi on my phone and wishing I was holding him....then I start thinking about what I would be doing if I were a stay-at-home Mom.  Then someone from the conference call I am on asks me for my tactical plan and it's back to reality...and lots of stuttering then occurs as I put on my job hat. 

And there's this endless guilt of: if I die tomorrow what's my biggest regret in life? The answer: not spending every moment I had with Levi.  My son is my world.  He is everything to me.  I cherish every morning when I open the door to his room and he smiles at me through his paci.  When I give him a bath and he splashes water all over the place.  Dinner time when we sit together and I can feed my precious baby - it's so rewarding to take care of him.  I love that.  I love providing for him and being partly responsible for the roof over his head and the food in his belly.  

There it is.  I got my answer simply by sitting here and typing this blog post.  That's why I work: I want to help provide for Levi.  I want to save for his college education as best I can.  I want to give him the comfort that my parents always gave me.  I never worried about money or even thought about it when I was young.  I always had this sense of security and safety.  It was just a given....and now I realize it's not a given - my parents worked hard to make that happen.  I am sure, just like me, my Mom wanted to be at home with me and my brother just like I want to do for Levi...but the sense of providing for my son is rewarding. 

Sorry about the long post...my heart and head have been overwhelmed lately.  At the end of the day, I am trying to do the best I can do for my little family that I love so dearly.  Here's a pic of Levi before bed - it's a little fuzzy....baby boy is hard to get pics now that he's crawling all over the place! 

Couple notes: 

• My Diddy was always there working just as much as my Mom...I am simply thinking about working Mom's.  LOVE my Diddy...but everyone knows that!
• Stay-at-home Mommy's also provide for their babies.....I am just searching for work/life balance, because I have to work.  Trust me, when Drew's ship comes in I will become a stay-at-home Mom....even if Levi's in college! 

Much love, 

Julie